Everything the same. Everything different.

Humans need each other. We are sitting on the kitchen counter in her ‘grown-up’ house. It’s sometime between 3 and 5 am and she is one of my best friends. We live too far away from each other. We talk for hours and hours stopping only laugh hysterically (but silently) while we shove straws down the butt crack of our sleeping friend on the couch – a real couch that has a matching love seat in a living room that has a color scheme and coasters. We are back from a short night out on the town where-in we quickly became weary of the loud music and long bathroom line.
Who are we? we say…
When did we become so OLD?
I think the use of coasters has a lot to do with it.
We keep talking, whispering in the kitchen long after every one in the house has passed out – draped across couches and carpets. Because really when we are together we are still fifteen. Eating cold pizza and mixing sprite with vodka – just one more… a little one. Everything bears down on us; children, credit scores, sick family members, car payments, in-laws… but just for these few hours, while the real world has turned it’s head, we can time travel; that is power of old friendships.

Advertisements

Cinco de embarrassing

Lets say that you’re a guy.

And you’re not great looking, but you have a nice sense of humor and an interesting job…

Lets say you meet a lonely waitress…  and you charm her enough into going on a date with you. Maybe you take her out to a nice greek restaurant in Malibu, you have easy conversation (including details of your last anger-management course… yikes) and you even share a kiss. But a few days later after she never calls or returns your texts, you remain confused. You think to yourself: But I had such a nice time, we really hit it off, why wouldn’t she call me back? 

Well, guy, she’s just not that into you. So, DON’T COME INTO HER PLACE OF WORK, WHILE SHE IS WORKING, AND CONFRONT HER ABOUT IT. It’s sad, and not very classy, also, I’M WORKING, I don’t have time to let you down easy or massage your ego. I’m just going to notify security and have them escort you out. Oh, and yes, I DID enjoyed the free meal, up until you told me about how you locked your last girlfriend in a bathroom for three days..”she had water…”

And yes, we did kiss, as you leaned over to unlock my door and attack my face with your mouth. 

And another thing, please don’t come back the very next day and announce to every one that “you happen to be working down the street and your just here to have a beer with some buddies…jeez.”

There is never a dull day. Those who say they are bored are just blind to all the weirdness around them.

Speaking of weirdness, Cinco de Mayo is one of the most overrated party holidays ever. Anyone who works in “service” is usually forced to wear something embarrassing and up-sell “special house margaritas”. Regular restaurants are festooned in pinatas, marachas, and  red, white and green streamers. The weird part is, most of the mexican people in California are working on Cinco de Mayo, serving white people tacos. White people, drunk on mexican tequila and  dressed up in sombreros and ponchos vomiting all over the streets.

Here is a non-douche white person’s guide to celebrating the the Battle of Pueblo while beating the crowds:

1. Dress up like “daytime” Selena: cowboy boots, high-wasted jean shorts, mid-drift peasant blouse, and Wrangler jacket… very festive.  Don’t forget the large hoop earrings, middle part, slicked back hair, and lip-liner.

2. Make a “Mexican” Coffee:

make a cup of coffee (I use a one cup drip and some Yucatan single origin coffee beans from Primo Passo, because I am a yuppie poser and a total coffee snob.)

put about 1 oz of kahlua in it

and a splash of reposado tequila (wink)

some ginger powder

a dash of nutmeg

shake the almond milk so it is really frothy… pour that on top

toss a dash or too of cinnamon on it

twist an orange rind.

drink.

Put on game face.

go to work.

3.  For Lunch Go to El Pollo Loco and order the “EL Traditionale” burrito:

It’s actually not bad at all, there are real beans, real rice, decent chicken, fresh avocados and has your daily in-take of sodium covered…. for two days.

4. Watch Nacho Libre: Nothing is more authentic mexican than Jack Black dressing up like a mexican Monk running around in spandex with a crappy latin accent, “I am not listening to you, you are crazy.”

5. Head out with some friends ( if you have any) to the local Irish pub…   it will be quiet, and full of old alcoholics, kind of like a large smelly living room. Don’t ask for a margarita because there is no way the bartender has rock salt or “sweet and sour”.

The New York Diet: How to Look Great and Feel Like Sh*t.

1. Move to New York City in the middle of the worst snow storm ever recorded, without the proper footwear.

2. Bring really heavy suitcase, an over stuffed back pack and a 25 pound typewriter.

3. Don’t bring a map, simply scribble addresses down on ripped slips of paper and “go with your gut.”

4. Be really, really broke… all the time.

5. Always order the cheapest thing on the menu (usually results in aforementioned house “salad”).

6. Do laundry once a week (requires heaving a 50 pound bag of dirty clothes down and around the block, then back again.)

7. Always choose cocktails instead of dinner – also known as the liquid diet (Tip: dirty martinis come with free olives).

8. Homemade popcorn: cheap, salty, lots of fiber.

9. Go the whole day eating popcorn and peanuts then get happy-hour drunk and shovel piping hot $2 pizza slices down your throat and walk home because you spent your subway money.

10. Coupons + $10 @ discount grocery store = dinner for a week (buy lots of canned items: your “pantry” a.k.a. shelf will look like an earthquake kit (see next week’s post))

11. Live on the 6th floor of a walk up building.

12. Frequent the by-donation Hot Yoga classes @ Yoga to the People in NYC… you know… to clear your mind and your appetite.

13. CHEAP ETHNIC FOOD (guaranteed to buy you at least 40 hours of not drinking, and not eating).

14. Ride really crowded subway trains so you have to stand all the time.

15. Laugh, a lot, at everything, to yourself. You’ll have a washboard by June.